The Maths of Marriage
Matches are NOT made in Heaven; But we better not turn them into Hell.
Kavya, a working lady in her early 30s, hails from Mumbai. She’s been married for 6 years. Her life revolves around 2 daughters, a Golden Retriever, a couple of house helps and a responsible husband. She had found her partner through family friends. Needless to say, the marriage was an arranged one, but somehow they managed to find love for each other amidst the hustle of their busy lives. Sounds like a Happy Married Life. Yet, the couple spend their weekends with a Marriage Counsellor these days. All is NOT well after all. If crucial steps are not taken, it may lead to a divorce soon.
Stories like this often pops up on social media, Q&A Forums, parties and office gossips. They are no more hidden; thanks to various communication channels and people being brave enough to open up.
Statistically, the divorce rate in India stands close to just 1%. As compared to the big names like US, UK and Russia, having more than 40% each, it sounds great at the first glance. But the reality is hidden by the vast population of our country. The numbers have doubled over last two decades. The metro cities lead the way with a staggering 30% and above. Experts believe that the figures will shoot up in the coming decades.
The perception in general, regarding the rising divorce rates are divided. Some believe that it showcases the ability of individuals to claim their independence back. According to them, people should no longer prefer staying in a dull and toxic marriage and prioritise their well being by getting out of it. While others still consider this a taboo, which breaks the social fabric and causes chaos to families and their reputation. That’s a never ending debate altogether.
But today’s fast paced generation should ask some crucial questions. What’s the exact reason behind such separations? Can these be prevented at all? Can marriages be saved? If yes.. then how..?
A plethora of research and write ups have already been published by psychologists, lawyers, social scientists etc., on saving marriages. I may not match their level of expertise. But I can share some thoughts and opinions inspired from these resources blended with concepts of Psychology, Science and a bit of Maths.
Marital Entropy
Without diving deep into the scientific definition, ‘Entropy’ simply means measure of disorder. The Second law of Thermodynamics from a universal point of view states that: As we go forward in time, the net Entropy of any isolated system tends to increase and eventually leads to chaos, if left unchecked. The term System can be anything — machines, buildings, companies or something abstract like friendship, relationship, marriage or even life in general.
As the name suggests, Marital Entropy deals with marriages specifically. Just like any other system, this entropy tends to increase with time causing issues between its components — husband and wife, then the system completely breaks down in the end. The only way to prevent that from happening is by putting energy or efforts by the components. Considering the strong involvement of families and relatives in Indian marriages, they become integral part of this System, hence turning into components too. More the components, more the probability of chaos and more the efforts required to keep a marriage intact.
Triangle of Efforts
Let’s assume, the husband and wife are two arms of a triangle. An equal inclination towards each other signifies equal efforts from each side. As a result, the Circle of Marriage at the top, rests in its most stable form. And its load gets balanced between the two efficiently. This configuration shows just an ideal scenario which is far from reality.
In most of the cases, if not all, the effort contribution follows a 80:20 rule instead of a 50:50 one. The one with a higher inclination, goes on to become the actual supporting arm who bears the burden of the entire System. The Circle rests in a very unstable position. Since the entire load falls upon that individual, it’s just a matter of time that he/she can no longer take it anymore and stops being the supporting arm, leading to a complete collapse of the marriage.
One of the ways to evade this chaos, is to keep gauging the efforts in regular intervals. Taking the contribution to reach 50:50 might be impossible, since we can never quantify that accurately. But at least, both the individuals should try to share the burden of each other to make the partner feel that he/she is not alone responsible for the stability of a marriage.
Sharing is Caring after all..!!
Intimacy Curve
Intimacy in a marriage is usually confused with physical compatibility and pleasure of lovemaking. But it’s not just confined to that. It goes deeper into emotional, intellectual and even spiritual levels. The bonding that a couple shares for each other makes them vulnerable and still they feel safe in that honest and transparent environment. They know, that their flaws feelings, secrets and scars from the past will be welcomed with open arms without being judged. That’s what enforces them to stand through thick and thin for each other.
Unfortunately, the Degree of Intimacy doesn’t stay the same for long. Data suggests, that it shoots up right after the wedding. The time span of 3–5 years is filled with fun, exploration and getting used to the System. The Intimacy reaches its Peak then turns downwards. It gradually fades away and things start getting monotonous. The Honeymoon finally comes to an end. Partners no longer feel the same anymore. Their lives get packed with issues and responsibilities. Jobs, children, ailing parents, loans and EMIs take away most of their time and energy. The husband does his part, the wife does her, and then it’s just 2 individuals living under a roof who do not have anything for each other.
The Trough in Intimacy Curve is a tough part to handle. A viable solution to survive this phase is Time and Empathy. No matter how busy life gets, a couple must take some time for themselves. Taking initiatives to put up little things for each other can do wonders. Deep whole hearted conversations should be preferred over random gossips. That requires being a great listener and observer filled with empathy. 7–38–55 rule of communication states that a person’s speech is distributed as : 7% words, 38% tone of voice, 55% body language. Keeping an eye on such non verbal communications can help understanding better. And a lot more can be done to make things work as per convenience in a marriage. The efforts discussed in the previous section implies to these initiatives taken for each other.
Secondary Components
Every individual is surrounded by people. Family, friends, relatives, colleagues, teachers and the list goes on. Among them, only a handful are actually close, while the rest are mere contacts. But in a marriage, the individual needs to include people from the partner’s side as well.
From the Marital Entropy we learnt that if more components get added to the System, the probability of chaos increases. And this is where, the family, friends, relatives and in-laws get involved, acting as Secondary Components. But it doesn’t mean that all of them should be kicked out of lives. Since their very existence won’t harm in any way, rather their ability to negatively influence the marriage might do.
We all have witnessed the infamous Saas-Bahu conflict with the Beta getting juggled in between. The reasons behind such issues are numerous and sometimes weird too. But the solution Betas usually implement is: try making them stay together by forgetting their differences. And if all the strategies fail, then keep them apart for a while. This applies to others too. If any of the in-laws, friends or family members are influencing the marriage destructively, then some strict actions are bound to be taken. Instead of cutting off completely, just reducing their involvement in the marriage should do.
Conflict Resolution
Marriages are often filled with disagreements. These lead to arguments followed by fights and eventually something disastrous like physical abuse. If things are not sorted right at the beginning, consequences can be ugly.
Conflicts are undoubtedly the most difficult issues to resolve. Practically, every conflict follows a Fight and Flight sequence. Initially the partners Fight over something and later they prefer not talking about it and avoid each other. Then slowly things settle down and they carry on. But the issues are just swept under the carpet, instead of getting solved. Eventually, the issues pile up to break the System completely.
One of the best ways to handle conflicts is Negotiation. This can be followed by adapting mutually accepted win-win conditions. Sometimes, it’s not just about winning a fight. This incessant urge to become victorious can lead the marriage to lose its war against Entropy. A calm and composed way of reacting to such issues and finding solutions together is of paramount importance.
The concepts discussed above, covers just a tip of the iceberg. There’s a never ending list of reasons which can fail a marriage. And divorce is the final nail in the coffin which couples seek to make their separation legal. But before taking such a drastic step, they should ask themselves, did they really try their best to save it.
Destroying a System is way too easier than building, nurturing and saving it in the long run. If handled correctly, marriage can prove to be the most beautiful and powerful force. A force that drives someone towards success, glory and leaves a legacy behind for generations…
References :
https://adjuvalegal.com/divorce/divorce-rate-in-india/
https://counsellorshive.com/marital-entropy/
https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/conflict-resolution-techniques/
https://www.rightattitudes.com/2008/10/04/7-38-55-rule-personal-communication/
